July 23, 2014

Betty Turbo's Tips for Stayin Cool!

It's hot out there. Don't bother telling me how much you like it, or how I should feel grateful I don't have East Coast humidity, these comments do nothing to lower my body temperature or level of boob sweat.  I'm an Alaska-grown girl, born in the winter with snowflakes in my veins!  This is my idea of a good day:

I think my brother and I are imitating a rare species of snow cactus.

Today we are having some delicious, delicious rain here in Oregon. But in case that pesky sun comes back, LIKE A BULLY, SMACKING THE COMIC BOOK OUT OF YOUR HAND AND LAUGHING, here is some advice on STAYING COOL:

1. Watch movies and TV set in cold places.  We are enjoying rewatching Twin Peaks in the cool cave of our basement here, but it would also be a good time to revisit Game of Thrones and imagine you HAVE TO snuggle up to keep warm. Not like reality where the most snuggling you can muster is to touch bare toes briefly, saying "Yes, I'm here, someday we will make out again. Not today."

Your new meditation mantra is "WINTER IS COMING."

2.  Fill your home (and office!) with pictures of frozen things!  I have a collection of ice cream art I turn to when I want to chill.  Here are two awesome 3-D ice cream paintings by Tripper Dungan

Ice cream, you scream, we all scream for icy cold frozen desserts!

And don't forget, your friend Betty Turbo currently has seventeen items for sale featuring ice cream!  Art, pillows, and cards for spreading coolness through correspondence!

Be Cool Now.

3.  Keep your underwear in the icebox. I heard somewhere that Marilyn Monroe used to do this.  The story may be apocryphal but I think it's a hilarious suggestion and I tell everyone about it.  Try it!  Right before you go to bed in the disgusting heat.

4.  Make your own ice cream!  July is National Ice Cream Month, but you shouldn't need a special holiday to motivate you.  It's a really easy process to get the hang of!  My favorite ice cream cookbook is The Perfect Scoop by David Lebovitz, if you were wondering, and I have a Cuisinart ice cream maker.  Get churnin!  So far this month I have made honey almond (not pictured), banana pudding with chocolate cookie crumbles, lemon with chocolate chunks and candied orange peel, and fresh mint with salted chocolate almonds!  

It's a recurring motif in my life.

5.  Use outdated slang & trite idioms that include words like cool, cold, and ice whenever possible.  Sing "Cold Hearted Snake" by Paula Abdul, "Cold as Ice" by Foreigner, and definitely follow that with "Ice, Ice Baby." Sing the snow song from White Christmas and pantomime washing your hair with snow.

Snow, snow SNOWWWWW!

Gosh, you guys, it has been persistently cool the entire time I focused on writing this!  See!  The power of positive thinking!  Holy smokes it's down to 62 degrees!  Okay, keep chanting the cold songs, and let me know if you make up any cold-summoning dance moves and I will send you a gift.  No, I will start a club for people who think Summer is Disgusting and we will have special badges.  I will invent a flavor of ice cream and name it after you.  Maybe all of the above.  STAY COOL!

3 comments:

Merrill said...

These are the BEST ideas EVER! And I love it that you have snowflakes in your blood!

Sami Spoon said...

Pretty damn tempted to put my knickers in the freezer!!!


SAMI★SPOON

Krista Gassib said...

How can you ever get hot when you are as cool as you are :)